When The Heart Is Heavy....

I found this in the website of West Visayas State University College of Medicine (Blog Page). I am able to relate in this because I was too, dreamt of becoming a Doctor. But I took a different path, far from my dream. It is not that I was discouraged, but it is a choice for the benefit of everyone that is special to me. Anyway, I am touched by this post. I wish, he have chose passion over stability. I believe, a person will only attain stability (I take it as SATISFACTION) if he has a passion to what he is doing.

When The Heart Is Heavy....

by Xlink, Mar 17, 2010 at 01:02 AM

These last two days, I had been having intimate talks with myself. When I knew I did not find a hospital for this year's Match, my heart was broken into pieces like never before. The pain was so deep, it was a struggle to take even just a small breath. My heart felt so heavy and my spirit was zapped of every energy it once had. I was a broken person. And I felt no shame in that.

True, I had difficult moments in my journey to find my dream but this was easily the darkest time. Questions of self doubt, anger and remorse filled my thoughts as I attempt to pull myself out from the overwhelming feeling of helplessness. What will my family and friends think of me now? Did I give my best to this Match? What could have I done better?

When I came to these shores, I had one dream: to survive and become a doctor. Four years later, I am still not close to realizing that goal. Yes, I survived the acculturation. Yes, I did experience some material comfort. And yes, I was able to help my family I left behind. But a part of me feels a void that I cannot compensate or deny. The emptiness is so great that sometimes, I question myself if I had made the right choices. All I want is to become a doctor. It is when I become a healer that the cares of this world disappears and I find myself whole. I am happiest when I can actually do and give something to make another person better. Not just running around or carrying out orders. More. And definitely not babysitting those with sense of entitlement or the chronic abusers of the system.

So now I find myself at a crossroad. Mind? Or Heart. Passion? Or Stability.

The answer is not an easy one. The coming days will be rough. My heart is crying and my once happy spirit is in dire need of healing. In my darkest hours, I find comfort in my own family (far they may be), a few closest friends and with this one person who has given me a reason to stay on the course. And in my Faith.

Will I try again next year? You can bet on that. I am not a quitter. And I am an Asclepian. “It is when things go wrong that you must not quit.”  ♥♥♥